My Input - God's Sovereignty Tested

No one may ever read these posts, but I want to say something about why I feel better about moving forward with plans for a baby.

A couple months ago, while helping put a roof on a house for Habitat, I had a great talk with a friend about contraception and God's sovereignty. He told me that he and his wife had used the Pill for several months when they first got married but then decided to stop. He told me that the main reason they made that decision was not because of the health issues or the possibility that it might cause an abortion - the main issue was whether or not God was really in control. If we've surrendered our life to His leading, how can we take this one very important part of ourselves and effectively say, "God, you aren't allowed to give us kids right now," and then turn around at a later time and say, "God, now we want kids, give them to us"? God simply doesn't work that way. He is Lord over everything, and He will resist those who try to becomes lords over any issue, even this one.

The more that I've thought about that conversation and the truths expressed, the more I've desired to trust God with my children, even in the timing and provision of their coming. Part of maturing as a Christian is submitting more and more of yourself to God, and I want to mature in Him.

Now, I know there are good arguments out there about why it is a good thing to control when and how many kids we have (I've thought through lots of them), but the same is always going to be true in any issue where God is asking you to submit yourself to Him. We must trust and obey Him regardless of the seeminly good reasons not to.

I look forward to being a daddy, even though I know I'm going to struggle. It will be a great journey that will build Lydia and me more and more into the image of Christ, and I think that may be what I'm most excited about.

How to deal

Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine had a miscarriage. I know of four friends my age who have miscarried. Four! I have read that many times, miscarriage occurs because the mother's body recognizes that something is wrong with the baby. And sometimes it just happens. I can't imagine the pain my friend is going through, and the questions she must have. Lord, give her peace!

Many pregnant couples only tell a few people--their closest friends and family--in the first trimester, when the likelihood of miscarriage is the highest. They do this to avoid all the questions from well-meaning people who don't know what's going on. Jon and I talked about this, trying to figure out who we would tell. We finally decided we would tell the people that we would also tell in the event of a miscarriage. That's actually a pretty large number, because it includes our Sunday School class, on whom we would lean most heavily for support during our grieving time.

Miscarriage. I don't know how to deal with it. And I imagine no one does.

A slight change in plans

Well, last week, I found out that through a technicality (called insurance), I had to move my appointment from April to May. I was pretty disappointed. Not only does that move baby thoughts back a month, but I was getting pretty excited about not having to take birth control much longer. I've always pushed the ethical issues of oral contraceptives out of my mind, but they've been coming to the front more often, and I'm not really comfortable with the idea any more. Waiting until April to stop hadn't seemed too bad, but now another month....

However, another event occurred last week. Jon and I went to visit a newborn, two weeks old and quite the handsome little boy. Jon held him almost the whole time, and as we got in the car, came to the decision that I should go ahead and get off the pill. Fine by me! :) I still have to finish out this month, and after that, we'll probably use other methods until I do talk to the doctor. This gets me a little ahead of the game, though, by allowing my body to go ahead and get the hormones out of my system (I've heard you have to allow 3 months before trying to get pregnant). It will be interesting to see how I'm affected. I'm hoping to lose weight :)

So we'd pushed back the whole shebang for another month, and now we've pushed it up! And I'm perfectly fine with that! Pretty exciting!

It's time

Since the last post, Jon and I have questioned our decision a few times. Gosh, a baby changes everything. But even more than the lost freedom that some people talk about, our hesitation has been the added responsibility. We're committing to being able to care and provide for our baby. With just the two of us, we can get a cheap duplex in the wrong part of town. But we don't want that for our kid, so suddenly we have to think about being able to afford a nice place to live, which means a good income, which, frankly, is pretty up in the air once Jon graduates.

So, toward the goal of me staying home, but still being able to make a substantial contribution, I'm working with Leanna to start a business. It's still in infancy stages (or gestational, actually), but I'm excited to see where it goes. I really think that what we make will sell; it's just a matter of finding the time to make it all, and getting all the details together.

Jon turned 27 a month ago. That day, we talked about our decision for babies, and he said, "You know, it's time. I'm 27 years old, and it's time." And that's true. It's time. Next week, I turn 25, and that's time. Time to start the next stage of life. Parenthood.

Crazy.

So how did we get here??

You might have noticed that in a period of a few months, we went from "not having the baby bug" to making "the appointment." How did we get there?

Well, Jon has always had the baby bug. It waned a little when he went back to school and was no longer the primary wage-earner, and that's actually when I first started thinking about it. But, school takes a long time, and it didn't seem like a good idea for me to be having a baby, when I was supposed to be the one paying the bills.

However, God has blessed me with a job that will most likely work very well with raising a newborn, and we've waited long enough into seminary that, even if we got pregnant right away, we would only be a few months from graduation when the baby is born, anyway. *Correction: Jon would still have close to another year. Okay, so I was WAY off. But that means he can schedule his classes to have a couple of days off a week, and he'll get Daddy Duty! That's perfect for the days I drive into the office, and when I need a day off! Pair that with a day at Mother's Day out, and I might actually get some work done! :)

Anyway, it was when we realized all that, that Jon and I started to seriously talk about babies. We've had several new parents in our class at church, and a baby next door. None of them gave me a pang that meant, "You could have this!" or anything like that. More along the lines of, "See? This isn't so scary. If your friends can do it, so can you."

And it's true. :) Although I must admit I've found myself a little more anxious since our decision. I haven't worried about raising a baby or being a good mom, but I've worried about our finances, retirement, and further reaching things that are indirectly related to having a child. I've also started doing a lot of research about health during pregnancy, birth options, etc. that seems so diverse I have no idea what's right, and will probably go the normal route just because everyone else does.

So, there are still many questions unanswered, and I don't even need to know the answers, yet. Some I'll find out in April, and others I'll find out along the way.

But for now, yes, we have the baby bug, and it just kind of happened. There's no other way to explain it.

The Appointment

Today, I called the gynecologist to make The Appointment. By that, I mean the one where we discuss stuff like prenatal vitamins and all that. (I'm saying "all that" because I figure there's more to discuss, but I don't have a clue what it is.)

When I picked up the phone to dial, I got the worst case of butterflies to hit my stomach in a long time. I'm not sure, but I think they might have been dragons flying around in there instead of butterflies.

The receptionist answers, and I say, "I'd like to make my annual appointment," and then suddenly my breath leaves me as I try to say, "and talk about having a baby."

The receptionist, who's heard it a thousand times, says, "I'm sorry, talk about what?"

"Having a baby..." I say, only slightly louder. "Do I need a special appointment for that?"

"No, you can talk to the doctor about that at the time of your regular appointment."

As if it were no big deal. As if that one talk wouldn't change the rest of my life.

April 12th, 2:30 pm. The Appointment.

I am not pregnant!

My sister, Karen, had the great idea to save a spot in the blogging world for whenever Jon and I do get pregnant. So save your excitement! I don't even have the baby bug! We'll make sure you all know about it when it happens. :)