A Reminder That I Am Not In Control

I'm not sure how to start this off. It's not fun or light-hearted. But I have two reasons for sharing. One, because it's not fun or light-hearted. I never want to give the impression that our lives are peachy, and that our faith in God is only because everything goes so well all the time. And two, because I need people to know. I don't want a lot of sympathy notes or casseroles. I just want people to know.

Two weeks ago I had a miscarriage.

I was about five weeks along, which means we'd known about a week. I already had my announcement blog written, as well as a list of things to add to my Amazon wish list once it was "official."

Last time we announced to family, we'd only found out that very morning. This time, since Caleb is older and more aware of things, we'd decided to wait to tell family members until our first doctor visit at 8 weeks or so.

The pregnancy started out differently from the other two, with spotting. I'd read that could be normal, and a phonecall to the doctor confirmed that. The spotting stopped, but resumed a few days later, this time more like real bleeding. Of course, it was a Friday afternoon, so I worried and Googled all weekend. We also called our parents to let them know what was going on, so they could join us in praying. By Monday, I was sure that I was miscarrying, and that was that.

However, at Monday's appointment, my doctor suggested that I might have sub-chorionic bleeding. That can be problematic in and of itself, but it meant that what I was experiencing could right itself, unlike a miscarriage. I regained hope that the pregnancy would make it.

On Monday, and again on Wednesday, I gave blood to test for HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). By Thursday, my bleeding had mostly stopped, and without any of the cramping or huge clots I had read would occur in a miscarriage. I told myself that the doctor had been right about the sub-chorionic bleeding, and that it was already healing, but an afternoon phonecall relaying my abysmal (and falling) HCG levels confirmed my fears.

Miscarriage.

The nurse said that what was done, was done. I was no longer pregnant, and thankfully there would be no need for further procedures or tests. As a matter of fact, had this happened 30 years ago, I would have assumed my cycle was weird for the month, and never suspected pregnancy.

When we heard the news, I really didn't feel anything. I didn't cry. I was grateful to know, one way or the other. The chipper little BabyCenter 6-week email didn't bother me; I just logged into my account to delete my third child I'd set up on their site. Just like that.

I wondered if I was just pushing down the grief--that maybe it would surface one day, and I'd be a ball of tears. So far (so far...) this hasn't happened. I've known many of my friends who have miscarried--some very recently. That, combined with the almost constant spotting/bleeding during the pregnancy, somehow protected my heart from being too certain that this baby was going to make it. And you know, God IS in control. I trust that with all my heart, and I trust that He has a good plan for me, and for my family. He has shown that to be true over and over again in my life, and I don't doubt Him on this one.

It's a good reminder that I am not in control: I cannot will things to happen in my life that I wish would happen.

It's also a good reminder of what's important. So many times when we were going through that week of uncertainty, as I listened to a minor complaint (that seemed major to the person complaining), I wanted to say, "Don't you realize how trivial that is? Do you realize I am losing my child inside of me, right now, and I can't do anything about it?"

And I guess that comes back to why I feel the need to write this post, instead of just letting things be. It just seems--though it was only a few moments in my life--that it's something I will always think of. Though it played itself out so quietly and quickly, it was significant.

Reality Check

Jon's birthday is in a little over a week. 28. Wow. As we've gotten closer to his birthday, it's reminded me of a conversation we had his last birthday. It's been a year since we started down this road to a family. A year of learning new things, doing research, observing others. And still no baby. I kinda thought it would be a breeze to get pregnant. I go off the pill--I get pregnant. I was thinking six months, tops. It's been a slight shock to realize that this year-long process has not produced the results we expected.

However, I'm so thankful for this year. Our marriage has strengthened, we've enjoyed times with family and friends, we've watched as Karen has almost made it through her 9 months of pregnancy, and we've trusted God with His timing.

I've also been thankful that our journey has been somewhat a solitary one. Not many people know, at this point, that we even want children right now. I imagine it would take a dense person to miss that we hold babies whenever we can, that we ask lots of questions, and that we no longer make anti-baby jokes. But I've hoped that people would chalk that up to all the exposure to babies that we've had this year. Anyway, whether people know or have guessed or are still in the dark, it's nice to not have to answer constant questions and be thinking about it all the time.

And really, for the most part, we don't think about it. We're excited about where God has us now, and that keeps us busy and content where we are!

At some point, if our inability to conceive becomes more than a slight disappointment--if it becomes a burden that weighs heavily on us--we would be the first to talk about it with our families and friends. You are our support group, and we would be eager to have you share our load for awhile. Right now, though, Jon and I are content to trust in God's timing, and not worry about the months that have gone by. And hopefully, when we talk with you about it, it's not to lean on you in our discouragement, but to announce the coming of the our little Newbie! (Of course, by the time you read this, that will have already happened!)

Pickles and Ice Cream!

I had pickles and ice cream today!

Okay, not at the same time, but still.... I had the ice cream for breakfast, because it was leftover from the previous day's Coldstone Creamery run, and it was SOOO yummy. Then pickles at lunch because I came into possession of a large amount of Jason's Deli pickles, which are my favorite.

But no, pretty sure I'm not pregnant. Although, as an update, I have been charting for almost a month, now, and I'm happy to say that it was as I suspected: I am ovulating, just at a different time from the "average" woman. So that's good to know. And it was cool to see my temperature spike up, which is an indication that the predominence of certain hormones are shifting.

My body's doing what it's supposed to do! I always feel awkward when pregnant women talk about "their body" as if they have no control over it. But I've figured out that it's really true. Our bodies are complex factories that do amazing things.

Off to finish the rest of my ice cream!

Fertility Awareness

This whole getting pregnant thing is a slippery slope. I started out saying, "If it happens, it happens" and now I'm charting my daily temps and sticking my finger up my hooha testing for fluids....

Let me 'splain.

I started out this whole thing of going off the pill and getting on the vitamin by charting my cycles. I use MyMonthlyCycles.com, and it's very useful. I just input my period each month, and it helps me keep track, especially now that I am off the pill that kept my cycle to a predictable 28 days. It also calculates when I am likely to ovulate, based on previous cycles, and assuming that I ovulate 14 days before the end of the cycle. Sounds a bit complicated, but it isn't really.

Then, as you know, Karen gave me the ovulation tests, which I couldn't resist. So, when there was a purple bunny on the web site calendar (yes, that's the sign for ovulation...seriously), I thought I'd try out this new bit of science I'd acquired. Nothing. I took the tests for 7 days and came back negative every time. Hm.... The next month, I tried again, only one day this time. Still negative. Now I only have one test left, and I don't want to waste it!

So that got me to thinking that I might not be in the normal group of people who ovulate 14 days before their cycle ends. At the same time, some friends of mine were mentioning cervical fluid (oh, the conversations of the pregnant-to-be...), which I was sure I'd never noticed before. I started wondering if I even ovulated at all. I realized that the ovulation tests might have pointed to a potential problem that I needed to investigate further.

So, to set my mind at ease (or get the facts I needed to present to a doctor, if things turned up abnormal), I decided to try the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). I borrowed Taking Back Your Fertility by Toni Weschler from a friend. It's a pretty hefty book, but quite a quick read. I would recommend it to those trying to conceive and those trying NOT to. It's also good for women trying to keep track of their cycles while breastfeeding or as they approach menopause.

Basically, the magic of the method is that our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made. Women's cycles--even the most erratic--become quite predictable when charted daily. Based on my temperature every morning and cervical fluid throughout the day, I will know when I am fertile, when I am not, when I will start my period, and even when I'm pregnant.

It's pretty cool, really. I feel kind of like a scientist taking daily measurements to look for patterns and signs of abnormality. Which is exactly what I'm doing!

So, without even meaning to, the casual way in which I wanted to go about getting pregnant has gone by the wayside. As I've read the FAM book, I've realized that I probably don't have a health problem; I just haven't been aware of when my body is doing what. I'm looking forward to learning what kind of cycle I have, not what the average woman has.

A note on Taking Charge of Your Fertility:
I've already mentioned this, but I want you to know I mean it. I would really recommend this book and method. The book is written in plain English and I read most of it in about three days. It presents a complicated concept very simply and clearly, so that I feel confident that I can do it.

Regarding FAM:
A woman is only fertile a few days out of the month. Why take a pill every day to prevent something that can happen only a fraction of that time? When I got off the Pill, I was surprised at how much those hormones had affected me. I had no idea, and had I known, I would not have started them in the first place.

When I first heard about FAM, all I really "heard" was the first paragraph of this blog: I would have to wake up at the same time every morning to take my temp, and I would have to touch something that in every other circumstance I had avoided. People who did that must be desperate! But, while people may come to this method in desperation, those who use FAM are more in control of their fertility than most people. If you start out using FAM, you can use it to prevent conception, and then--when you're ready--you'll have all the knowledge you need to have a great chance at getting pregnant. I'm glad I found out about this method before I got to the desperation stage, and I want you to know about it before then, too.

This method, both for prevention and conception, is cheap (free), natural, and helps a woman become more aware of the amazing gift God gave her.