I'm not sure how to start this off. It's not fun or light-hearted. But I have two reasons for sharing. One, because it's not fun or light-hearted. I never want to give the impression that our lives are peachy, and that our faith in God is only because everything goes so well all the time. And two, because I need people to know. I don't want a lot of sympathy notes or casseroles. I just want people to know.
Two weeks ago I had a miscarriage.
I was about five weeks along, which means we'd known about a week. I already had my announcement blog written, as well as a list of things to add to my Amazon wish list once it was "official."
Last time we announced to family, we'd only found out that very morning. This time, since Caleb is older and more aware of things, we'd decided to wait to tell family members until our first doctor visit at 8 weeks or so.
The pregnancy started out differently from the other two, with spotting. I'd read that could be normal, and a phonecall to the doctor confirmed that. The spotting stopped, but resumed a few days later, this time more like real bleeding. Of course, it was a Friday afternoon, so I worried and Googled all weekend. We also called our parents to let them know what was going on, so they could join us in praying. By Monday, I was sure that I was miscarrying, and that was that.
However, at Monday's appointment, my doctor suggested that I might have sub-chorionic bleeding. That can be problematic in and of itself, but it meant that what I was experiencing could right itself, unlike a miscarriage. I regained hope that the pregnancy would make it.
On Monday, and again on Wednesday, I gave blood to test for HCG levels (pregnancy hormone). By Thursday, my bleeding had mostly stopped, and without any of the cramping or huge clots I had read would occur in a miscarriage. I told myself that the doctor had been right about the sub-chorionic bleeding, and that it was already healing, but an afternoon phonecall relaying my abysmal (and falling) HCG levels confirmed my fears.
Miscarriage.
The nurse said that what was done, was done. I was no longer pregnant, and thankfully there would be no need for further procedures or tests. As a matter of fact, had this happened 30 years ago, I would have assumed my cycle was weird for the month, and never suspected pregnancy.
When we heard the news, I really didn't feel anything. I didn't cry. I was grateful to know, one way or the other. The chipper little BabyCenter 6-week email didn't bother me; I just logged into my account to delete my third child I'd set up on their site. Just like that.
I wondered if I was just pushing down the grief--that maybe it would surface one day, and I'd be a ball of tears. So far (so far...) this hasn't happened. I've known many of my friends who have miscarried--some very recently. That, combined with the almost constant spotting/bleeding during the pregnancy, somehow protected my heart from being too certain that this baby was going to make it. And you know, God IS in control. I trust that with all my heart, and I trust that He has a good plan for me, and for my family. He has shown that to be true over and over again in my life, and I don't doubt Him on this one.
It's a good reminder that I am not in control: I cannot will things to happen in my life that I wish would happen.
It's also a good reminder of what's important. So many times when we were going through that week of uncertainty, as I listened to a minor complaint (that seemed major to the person complaining), I wanted to say, "Don't you realize how trivial that is? Do you realize I am losing my child inside of me, right now, and I can't do anything about it?"
And I guess that comes back to why I feel the need to
write this post, instead of just letting things be. It just
seems--though it was only a few moments in my life--that it's something I
will always think of. Though it played itself out so quietly and quickly, it was significant.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Thursday, July 03, 2008
How we found out
As you know from the previous post, we got our sonogram a week early. This is how it happened.
I'm still tracking my basal body temperatures during pregnancy. A maintained high temp (in relation to my normal BBT) is an indication that pregnancy hormones are still present, and I'm still pregnant. A period of several days with decreasing temp indicate a possible miscarriage. Well, for several days, my temps had been fluctuating low, then back up, then lower, then back up, but not as high, then even lower. By the third low temp (this one lower than it had been since pre-pregancy), I was getting a little worried. I thought, "Well, it might be a fluke. I won't worry unless I have actual signs of miscarriage (cramping, bleeding, etc.)." So I let it go.
But then, when I stepped on the scale, I had lost 8 pounds. Oh my gosh! So the two together certainly worried me. I started thinking about how tired I'd been lately, and how I hadn't felt that well on Sunday. Oh my gosh I could be miscarrying.
I called Jon, who was at work and couldn't answer his cell phone. I left him a message with what was going on and that I would call my mom to see if I should go to the dr.
When my mom answered, I immediately teared up. There's something about having someone else around (or on the phone) to be the strong one during a hard time, and I'm sure she could tell I was scared. She said I should definitely go, despite my lack of cramping, etc.
On the way to the dr, I left another message for Jon, letting him know. Then I called the dr's office. They seem nonplussed about my "possible miscarriage" because I wasn't bleeding. However, I told them I was already on my way, and I would just feel better if they could listen for the heartbeat.
I made it to the dr. and realized I'd left my wallet at home, which was fine, since they have all my information, but...well, oh well. I sat down in the waiting room, fully expecting to be called back quickly to assess if I was indeed losing my baby. After about 20 minutes, I realized that I was waiting in line like everyone else, and I reluctantly opened a Parenting magazine. Jon called to check on me, and again I had the urge to cry. I told him I was just waiting.
Finally, the nurse, Rosa, called my name. Rosa is an interesting lady. She's very business-like, and doesn't comment any more than she has to. When she checks my weight or blood pressure, it's very fast, and if I don't pay close attention, I won't even know what the numbers were. At the weigh station, the scale registered that I'd gained a pound. So much for my eight-pound loss.
My blood pressure was fine, and then Rosa said Dr. K would probably want to go ahead and do the sonogram, since we were only a week away. Ak! I didn't want Jon to miss that! I asked if hearing the heartbeat would be enough, and she said, well, Dr. K will still probably want to do the sono. She left me to wait, and I quickly texted Jon, asking if he could get off at all.
Finally, Dr. K came in, ever a spirit of sweetness and calm. She pulled out the dopplar to listen for a heartbeat, and just at that moment Jon called to see what was going on. Dr. K held the dopplar speaker up to the phone so Jon could hear as well. (What a nice doctor!) And let me just say, those dopplar things are not the best for a woman worried about her baby. It takes WAY too long to find the heartbeat! We listened to my heartbeat, we listened to what Dr. K said was our heartbeats combined, and finally, after a few tense moments for me, we heard the baby's heartbeat, measuring at 138 beats per minute. It was nice and strong and steady. I was worried because the last heartrate we'd known was 168, but she said it was normal for the heartbeat to slow as the baby got bigger.
I kept the phone line open as Dr. K explained that that was enough confirmation for her if I didn't want to do the sono today. She could see the uncertainty in my face. I didn't want to be a high-maintenance pregnant lady. I wanted that heartbeat to be enough. Jon also wanted it to be enough. And getting him off work would be a bit of a finagle. Okay, we decided. We're fine. We feel better. We promise.
Dr. K urged us to come back in if we decided it just wasn't enough for us. As I left, I heard her tell the scheduling lady to let me have an afternoon appointment if I called.
Back home, I went back to work. I waited for the baby to kick. Nothing. Hm.... The couple times I thought could be kicks, I just couldn't really tell. Jon called at lunchtime to check on me. I told him I felt fine, but neither one of us were that convinced. Realizing that I was going out of town the next day, and that the doctor seemed so fine with moving the sono up, we decided to go. Jon arranged to get off an hour early, and I called the dr. to let the know we would be coming in. Just doing that helped me feel a little better.
At 3:00, Jon called to say he was on his way home. I answered the phone with, "Hi!" and he misunderstood me to say, "Hurry!" "What? Are you okay? What's going on??" "No, I just said hi...."
So obviously we were on pins and needles, and I was glad we'd made the decision we had. At the office, again we waited. I regretted that we weren't going into this Big Appointment with more happiness. Our day had subdued our excitement over learning the gender, and we were more concerned with seeing a wiggly baby, no matter the gender.
When we made it into the sonogram room, the technician began her explorations over my stomach. Again, it takes WAY too long to find babies. Seriously. But, when she found him, we were glad. Again she found the hearbeat (this time 151bpm)--crazy baby. We didn't really breathe a sigh of relief until we saw him move around. He wasn't very wiggly; he looked like he was just adjusting in his sleep, but it was enough for us. Our little guy was okay. And a boy!
Emotionally drained, it took a few phonecalls to excited family to really lift our spirits from our concerns of the day. Nothing was wrong. We had a healthy baby boy.
I promised Jon that I wouldn't be that high-maintenance again, and I thanked him for believing my concerns and supporting me through the day. The being that was making my belly bigger every day had his hold on me, and I didn't realize how much until I thought I could lose him. I'm told that that hold will only get stronger, and will be more than I ever imagined when I have him in my arms for the first time. Only 20 weeks away! The time is going so fast!
I'm still tracking my basal body temperatures during pregnancy. A maintained high temp (in relation to my normal BBT) is an indication that pregnancy hormones are still present, and I'm still pregnant. A period of several days with decreasing temp indicate a possible miscarriage. Well, for several days, my temps had been fluctuating low, then back up, then lower, then back up, but not as high, then even lower. By the third low temp (this one lower than it had been since pre-pregancy), I was getting a little worried. I thought, "Well, it might be a fluke. I won't worry unless I have actual signs of miscarriage (cramping, bleeding, etc.)." So I let it go.
But then, when I stepped on the scale, I had lost 8 pounds. Oh my gosh! So the two together certainly worried me. I started thinking about how tired I'd been lately, and how I hadn't felt that well on Sunday. Oh my gosh I could be miscarrying.
I called Jon, who was at work and couldn't answer his cell phone. I left him a message with what was going on and that I would call my mom to see if I should go to the dr.
When my mom answered, I immediately teared up. There's something about having someone else around (or on the phone) to be the strong one during a hard time, and I'm sure she could tell I was scared. She said I should definitely go, despite my lack of cramping, etc.
On the way to the dr, I left another message for Jon, letting him know. Then I called the dr's office. They seem nonplussed about my "possible miscarriage" because I wasn't bleeding. However, I told them I was already on my way, and I would just feel better if they could listen for the heartbeat.
I made it to the dr. and realized I'd left my wallet at home, which was fine, since they have all my information, but...well, oh well. I sat down in the waiting room, fully expecting to be called back quickly to assess if I was indeed losing my baby. After about 20 minutes, I realized that I was waiting in line like everyone else, and I reluctantly opened a Parenting magazine. Jon called to check on me, and again I had the urge to cry. I told him I was just waiting.
Finally, the nurse, Rosa, called my name. Rosa is an interesting lady. She's very business-like, and doesn't comment any more than she has to. When she checks my weight or blood pressure, it's very fast, and if I don't pay close attention, I won't even know what the numbers were. At the weigh station, the scale registered that I'd gained a pound. So much for my eight-pound loss.
My blood pressure was fine, and then Rosa said Dr. K would probably want to go ahead and do the sonogram, since we were only a week away. Ak! I didn't want Jon to miss that! I asked if hearing the heartbeat would be enough, and she said, well, Dr. K will still probably want to do the sono. She left me to wait, and I quickly texted Jon, asking if he could get off at all.
Finally, Dr. K came in, ever a spirit of sweetness and calm. She pulled out the dopplar to listen for a heartbeat, and just at that moment Jon called to see what was going on. Dr. K held the dopplar speaker up to the phone so Jon could hear as well. (What a nice doctor!) And let me just say, those dopplar things are not the best for a woman worried about her baby. It takes WAY too long to find the heartbeat! We listened to my heartbeat, we listened to what Dr. K said was our heartbeats combined, and finally, after a few tense moments for me, we heard the baby's heartbeat, measuring at 138 beats per minute. It was nice and strong and steady. I was worried because the last heartrate we'd known was 168, but she said it was normal for the heartbeat to slow as the baby got bigger.
I kept the phone line open as Dr. K explained that that was enough confirmation for her if I didn't want to do the sono today. She could see the uncertainty in my face. I didn't want to be a high-maintenance pregnant lady. I wanted that heartbeat to be enough. Jon also wanted it to be enough. And getting him off work would be a bit of a finagle. Okay, we decided. We're fine. We feel better. We promise.
Dr. K urged us to come back in if we decided it just wasn't enough for us. As I left, I heard her tell the scheduling lady to let me have an afternoon appointment if I called.
Back home, I went back to work. I waited for the baby to kick. Nothing. Hm.... The couple times I thought could be kicks, I just couldn't really tell. Jon called at lunchtime to check on me. I told him I felt fine, but neither one of us were that convinced. Realizing that I was going out of town the next day, and that the doctor seemed so fine with moving the sono up, we decided to go. Jon arranged to get off an hour early, and I called the dr. to let the know we would be coming in. Just doing that helped me feel a little better.
At 3:00, Jon called to say he was on his way home. I answered the phone with, "Hi!" and he misunderstood me to say, "Hurry!" "What? Are you okay? What's going on??" "No, I just said hi...."
So obviously we were on pins and needles, and I was glad we'd made the decision we had. At the office, again we waited. I regretted that we weren't going into this Big Appointment with more happiness. Our day had subdued our excitement over learning the gender, and we were more concerned with seeing a wiggly baby, no matter the gender.
When we made it into the sonogram room, the technician began her explorations over my stomach. Again, it takes WAY too long to find babies. Seriously. But, when she found him, we were glad. Again she found the hearbeat (this time 151bpm)--crazy baby. We didn't really breathe a sigh of relief until we saw him move around. He wasn't very wiggly; he looked like he was just adjusting in his sleep, but it was enough for us. Our little guy was okay. And a boy!
Emotionally drained, it took a few phonecalls to excited family to really lift our spirits from our concerns of the day. Nothing was wrong. We had a healthy baby boy.
I promised Jon that I wouldn't be that high-maintenance again, and I thanked him for believing my concerns and supporting me through the day. The being that was making my belly bigger every day had his hold on me, and I didn't realize how much until I thought I could lose him. I'm told that that hold will only get stronger, and will be more than I ever imagined when I have him in my arms for the first time. Only 20 weeks away! The time is going so fast!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The Grandparents got it out of us!
So Grandpa called today just to chat. Then I talked with Grandma for a bit, and she started talking about the things she was working on for her great grandkids for Christmas. It just seemed so perfect, I couldn't resist telling her, "You'll have another great grandkid at Christmas!!" She really just pulled it out of me! Gotta watch out for those grandmothers!
So then I called my Mawmaw, who said she'd expected "the announcement" would be coming soon, so she wasn't surprised in the least. Both grandmothers hoped for a girl.
We'll be telling Jon's grandparents soon as well.
As for everyone else, I still don't know when we'll tell them. Jon doesn't think we'll be able to keep the secret very long. I'd still like to hold off a little. I know I'd originally said we'd tell those we'd also tell if there's a miscarriage, but as I explained to my mom today, telling people makes it so much more real, and the loss so much worse if we were to miscarry. So, the longer we wait, the better chances our baby has, and that happier we'll be when we let people know.
So then I called my Mawmaw, who said she'd expected "the announcement" would be coming soon, so she wasn't surprised in the least. Both grandmothers hoped for a girl.
We'll be telling Jon's grandparents soon as well.
As for everyone else, I still don't know when we'll tell them. Jon doesn't think we'll be able to keep the secret very long. I'd still like to hold off a little. I know I'd originally said we'd tell those we'd also tell if there's a miscarriage, but as I explained to my mom today, telling people makes it so much more real, and the loss so much worse if we were to miscarry. So, the longer we wait, the better chances our baby has, and that happier we'll be when we let people know.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Probably not Pregnant
Well, it seems I'm not pregnant as I'd hoped I'd be. In my heart, I'm wondering if I might have miscarried, though just too early to have recognized it. The reasons I think this: 1) my luteal phase only lasted 12 days, when it should last at least 14 to be a happy place for a fertilized egg to live. 2) I've had cramps and a "gross" feeling stomach all day, which are period symptoms I never have. 3) To spare the details, my period has just been different from others. and 4) I've read enough and known enough cases to realize that the likelihood of miscarriage is actually pretty high. One of those things where knowledge has only made me fear the worst.
I've heard women can have a period while they're pregnant, and considering how different this one is from most, I guess it could be true. But it could also be true that I miscarried.
Of course, it could be neither, and just being out of town all last week and whatever else is going on could have contributed to a weird period. Nothing to worry about!
Whatever happened, I know that God is in control. He has perfect timing and wisdom, and I trust that.
I've heard women can have a period while they're pregnant, and considering how different this one is from most, I guess it could be true. But it could also be true that I miscarried.
Of course, it could be neither, and just being out of town all last week and whatever else is going on could have contributed to a weird period. Nothing to worry about!
Whatever happened, I know that God is in control. He has perfect timing and wisdom, and I trust that.
Monday, April 23, 2007
How to deal
Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine had a miscarriage. I know of four friends my age who have miscarried. Four! I have read that many times, miscarriage occurs because the mother's body recognizes that something is wrong with the baby. And sometimes it just happens. I can't imagine the pain my friend is going through, and the questions she must have. Lord, give her peace!
Many pregnant couples only tell a few people--their closest friends and family--in the first trimester, when the likelihood of miscarriage is the highest. They do this to avoid all the questions from well-meaning people who don't know what's going on. Jon and I talked about this, trying to figure out who we would tell. We finally decided we would tell the people that we would also tell in the event of a miscarriage. That's actually a pretty large number, because it includes our Sunday School class, on whom we would lean most heavily for support during our grieving time.
Miscarriage. I don't know how to deal with it. And I imagine no one does.
Many pregnant couples only tell a few people--their closest friends and family--in the first trimester, when the likelihood of miscarriage is the highest. They do this to avoid all the questions from well-meaning people who don't know what's going on. Jon and I talked about this, trying to figure out who we would tell. We finally decided we would tell the people that we would also tell in the event of a miscarriage. That's actually a pretty large number, because it includes our Sunday School class, on whom we would lean most heavily for support during our grieving time.
Miscarriage. I don't know how to deal with it. And I imagine no one does.
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