Probably not Pregnant

Well, it seems I'm not pregnant as I'd hoped I'd be. In my heart, I'm wondering if I might have miscarried, though just too early to have recognized it. The reasons I think this: 1) my luteal phase only lasted 12 days, when it should last at least 14 to be a happy place for a fertilized egg to live. 2) I've had cramps and a "gross" feeling stomach all day, which are period symptoms I never have. 3) To spare the details, my period has just been different from others. and 4) I've read enough and known enough cases to realize that the likelihood of miscarriage is actually pretty high. One of those things where knowledge has only made me fear the worst.

I've heard women can have a period while they're pregnant, and considering how different this one is from most, I guess it could be true. But it could also be true that I miscarried.

Of course, it could be neither, and just being out of town all last week and whatever else is going on could have contributed to a weird period. Nothing to worry about!

Whatever happened, I know that God is in control. He has perfect timing and wisdom, and I trust that.

Just a side note

I have a feeling that if I don't get pregnant next month, I'm going to be very disappointed. Maybe because I'm not pregnant this month, and I've got a tinge of disappointment. I have to admit, though, I've been thinking how great it would be to announce to our families at Christmas, since we'll see EVERYONE. But that means I'd have to get pregnant this month. That thought is crazy and scary and exciting all at the same time.

See, I'm getting my hopes up! I need to keep my hopes down! Down, hopes, down!

Isn't it silly how I get my hopes up because of the convenient timing of it all? But it's not really the timing. I think Jon and I are just ready for the next stage.

Pickles and Ice Cream!

I had pickles and ice cream today!

Okay, not at the same time, but still.... I had the ice cream for breakfast, because it was leftover from the previous day's Coldstone Creamery run, and it was SOOO yummy. Then pickles at lunch because I came into possession of a large amount of Jason's Deli pickles, which are my favorite.

But no, pretty sure I'm not pregnant. Although, as an update, I have been charting for almost a month, now, and I'm happy to say that it was as I suspected: I am ovulating, just at a different time from the "average" woman. So that's good to know. And it was cool to see my temperature spike up, which is an indication that the predominence of certain hormones are shifting.

My body's doing what it's supposed to do! I always feel awkward when pregnant women talk about "their body" as if they have no control over it. But I've figured out that it's really true. Our bodies are complex factories that do amazing things.

Off to finish the rest of my ice cream!

I'm covered!

When I moved and started working from home, I found out that my city is out of area for my insurance coverage. So, I go to the doctor on the days I go into the office. Not usually a big deal, because I'm not sick very often.

However, I've been a little concerned about how that will affect me when I'm pregnant. Pregnant people go to the doctor a lot! And they take their husbands with them. That would mean a lot of shortened days in the office, and Jon skipping work and school so he could come along, too. Of course, he wouldn't have to come to all of them, but even the "big" appointments (heartbeat, sonogram, etc.) can add up.

And then there's the actual labor and childbirth part. Most new parents go to the hospital multiple times due to false alarms, and I was having images flash through my mind of giving birth in the car on the 1.5 hr drive to the hospital.

So, imagine my delight when I went in to a clinic here in town, and I was covered! It turns out that the Out of Area coverage uses another provider, and I have a whole host of doctors to choose from, as well as numerous hospitals!

So, the doctor hunt begins. I already have an idea of which hospital I'd like to go to, because it's well-known for its labor and delivery care. I'm going to ask my current doctor for recommendations, as well as all the pregnant women and new moms that I know around here.

I can't believe I could have been going to doctors here in town for the last two years! It's a good thing I only needed a doctor a few times, or I would have been really ticked!

Fertility Awareness

This whole getting pregnant thing is a slippery slope. I started out saying, "If it happens, it happens" and now I'm charting my daily temps and sticking my finger up my hooha testing for fluids....

Let me 'splain.

I started out this whole thing of going off the pill and getting on the vitamin by charting my cycles. I use MyMonthlyCycles.com, and it's very useful. I just input my period each month, and it helps me keep track, especially now that I am off the pill that kept my cycle to a predictable 28 days. It also calculates when I am likely to ovulate, based on previous cycles, and assuming that I ovulate 14 days before the end of the cycle. Sounds a bit complicated, but it isn't really.

Then, as you know, Karen gave me the ovulation tests, which I couldn't resist. So, when there was a purple bunny on the web site calendar (yes, that's the sign for ovulation...seriously), I thought I'd try out this new bit of science I'd acquired. Nothing. I took the tests for 7 days and came back negative every time. Hm.... The next month, I tried again, only one day this time. Still negative. Now I only have one test left, and I don't want to waste it!

So that got me to thinking that I might not be in the normal group of people who ovulate 14 days before their cycle ends. At the same time, some friends of mine were mentioning cervical fluid (oh, the conversations of the pregnant-to-be...), which I was sure I'd never noticed before. I started wondering if I even ovulated at all. I realized that the ovulation tests might have pointed to a potential problem that I needed to investigate further.

So, to set my mind at ease (or get the facts I needed to present to a doctor, if things turned up abnormal), I decided to try the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). I borrowed Taking Back Your Fertility by Toni Weschler from a friend. It's a pretty hefty book, but quite a quick read. I would recommend it to those trying to conceive and those trying NOT to. It's also good for women trying to keep track of their cycles while breastfeeding or as they approach menopause.

Basically, the magic of the method is that our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made. Women's cycles--even the most erratic--become quite predictable when charted daily. Based on my temperature every morning and cervical fluid throughout the day, I will know when I am fertile, when I am not, when I will start my period, and even when I'm pregnant.

It's pretty cool, really. I feel kind of like a scientist taking daily measurements to look for patterns and signs of abnormality. Which is exactly what I'm doing!

So, without even meaning to, the casual way in which I wanted to go about getting pregnant has gone by the wayside. As I've read the FAM book, I've realized that I probably don't have a health problem; I just haven't been aware of when my body is doing what. I'm looking forward to learning what kind of cycle I have, not what the average woman has.

A note on Taking Charge of Your Fertility:
I've already mentioned this, but I want you to know I mean it. I would really recommend this book and method. The book is written in plain English and I read most of it in about three days. It presents a complicated concept very simply and clearly, so that I feel confident that I can do it.

Regarding FAM:
A woman is only fertile a few days out of the month. Why take a pill every day to prevent something that can happen only a fraction of that time? When I got off the Pill, I was surprised at how much those hormones had affected me. I had no idea, and had I known, I would not have started them in the first place.

When I first heard about FAM, all I really "heard" was the first paragraph of this blog: I would have to wake up at the same time every morning to take my temp, and I would have to touch something that in every other circumstance I had avoided. People who did that must be desperate! But, while people may come to this method in desperation, those who use FAM are more in control of their fertility than most people. If you start out using FAM, you can use it to prevent conception, and then--when you're ready--you'll have all the knowledge you need to have a great chance at getting pregnant. I'm glad I found out about this method before I got to the desperation stage, and I want you to know about it before then, too.

This method, both for prevention and conception, is cheap (free), natural, and helps a woman become more aware of the amazing gift God gave her.

PT#3

This is a little belated, but I took a third test after a couple more days. Still wasn't pregnant, and finally my body kicked in gear and did what it was supposed to do. Guess it was stress or something.

In the meantime, John and Karen announced their pregnancy! Yay! I'm happy that I'll be an aunt before I'll be a mom. It just seems like it should be the way of things. And I get to be the favorite aunt, too!

Karen passed off all her "getting pregnant" accouterments, including extra ovulation tests. For a couple who's not really trying, ovulation tests are a little intimidating! However, I'm sure they'll be handy at some point. They brought up the question, "If we're okay with getting pregnant, why not try?" The obvious answer is to avoid the frustration that comes from being unsuccessful. But, the second answer is that well, maybe that makes sense. Knowing me, I'll want to try the test just because it's new and kinda cool. But maybe we should wait a little while longer.

Pregnancy Test #2

Took the test, and it's still negative. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean, two days late--I'd about convinced myself I was really pregnant. I woke up 4 times in the night, awaiting the morning and The Test. But oh well. It'll happen sometime.

It's all in my mind: Pregnancy Test #1

I took a Pregnancy Test last week. I was feeling funny--kinda nauseated, but not enough to really make me sick. So, I thought I'd just take the test and get it over with. I had a feeling my mind was playing tricks on me, and making me feel that way just because I knew pregnant people were supposed to get morning sickness.

I went to Target, because I never see anyone there I know (though of course I did this time), and Kroger keeps their PTs locked up next to the condoms, which is way too humiliating for me to even contemplate. I picked the "early detector" test--63% accurate on it's earliest detecting days. Seems good enough, but that turned out to be my loophole. The test ended up negative, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking that I might be in that 37%. The funny nausea feeling has remained (but usually only when I think about it, which seems to confirm the "all in my mind" theory).

Now, I'm two days late, and taking the test again tomorrow.

My Input - God's Sovereignty Tested

No one may ever read these posts, but I want to say something about why I feel better about moving forward with plans for a baby.

A couple months ago, while helping put a roof on a house for Habitat, I had a great talk with a friend about contraception and God's sovereignty. He told me that he and his wife had used the Pill for several months when they first got married but then decided to stop. He told me that the main reason they made that decision was not because of the health issues or the possibility that it might cause an abortion - the main issue was whether or not God was really in control. If we've surrendered our life to His leading, how can we take this one very important part of ourselves and effectively say, "God, you aren't allowed to give us kids right now," and then turn around at a later time and say, "God, now we want kids, give them to us"? God simply doesn't work that way. He is Lord over everything, and He will resist those who try to becomes lords over any issue, even this one.

The more that I've thought about that conversation and the truths expressed, the more I've desired to trust God with my children, even in the timing and provision of their coming. Part of maturing as a Christian is submitting more and more of yourself to God, and I want to mature in Him.

Now, I know there are good arguments out there about why it is a good thing to control when and how many kids we have (I've thought through lots of them), but the same is always going to be true in any issue where God is asking you to submit yourself to Him. We must trust and obey Him regardless of the seeminly good reasons not to.

I look forward to being a daddy, even though I know I'm going to struggle. It will be a great journey that will build Lydia and me more and more into the image of Christ, and I think that may be what I'm most excited about.

How to deal

Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine had a miscarriage. I know of four friends my age who have miscarried. Four! I have read that many times, miscarriage occurs because the mother's body recognizes that something is wrong with the baby. And sometimes it just happens. I can't imagine the pain my friend is going through, and the questions she must have. Lord, give her peace!

Many pregnant couples only tell a few people--their closest friends and family--in the first trimester, when the likelihood of miscarriage is the highest. They do this to avoid all the questions from well-meaning people who don't know what's going on. Jon and I talked about this, trying to figure out who we would tell. We finally decided we would tell the people that we would also tell in the event of a miscarriage. That's actually a pretty large number, because it includes our Sunday School class, on whom we would lean most heavily for support during our grieving time.

Miscarriage. I don't know how to deal with it. And I imagine no one does.

A slight change in plans

Well, last week, I found out that through a technicality (called insurance), I had to move my appointment from April to May. I was pretty disappointed. Not only does that move baby thoughts back a month, but I was getting pretty excited about not having to take birth control much longer. I've always pushed the ethical issues of oral contraceptives out of my mind, but they've been coming to the front more often, and I'm not really comfortable with the idea any more. Waiting until April to stop hadn't seemed too bad, but now another month....

However, another event occurred last week. Jon and I went to visit a newborn, two weeks old and quite the handsome little boy. Jon held him almost the whole time, and as we got in the car, came to the decision that I should go ahead and get off the pill. Fine by me! :) I still have to finish out this month, and after that, we'll probably use other methods until I do talk to the doctor. This gets me a little ahead of the game, though, by allowing my body to go ahead and get the hormones out of my system (I've heard you have to allow 3 months before trying to get pregnant). It will be interesting to see how I'm affected. I'm hoping to lose weight :)

So we'd pushed back the whole shebang for another month, and now we've pushed it up! And I'm perfectly fine with that! Pretty exciting!

It's time

Since the last post, Jon and I have questioned our decision a few times. Gosh, a baby changes everything. But even more than the lost freedom that some people talk about, our hesitation has been the added responsibility. We're committing to being able to care and provide for our baby. With just the two of us, we can get a cheap duplex in the wrong part of town. But we don't want that for our kid, so suddenly we have to think about being able to afford a nice place to live, which means a good income, which, frankly, is pretty up in the air once Jon graduates.

So, toward the goal of me staying home, but still being able to make a substantial contribution, I'm working with Leanna to start a business. It's still in infancy stages (or gestational, actually), but I'm excited to see where it goes. I really think that what we make will sell; it's just a matter of finding the time to make it all, and getting all the details together.

Jon turned 27 a month ago. That day, we talked about our decision for babies, and he said, "You know, it's time. I'm 27 years old, and it's time." And that's true. It's time. Next week, I turn 25, and that's time. Time to start the next stage of life. Parenthood.

Crazy.

So how did we get here??

You might have noticed that in a period of a few months, we went from "not having the baby bug" to making "the appointment." How did we get there?

Well, Jon has always had the baby bug. It waned a little when he went back to school and was no longer the primary wage-earner, and that's actually when I first started thinking about it. But, school takes a long time, and it didn't seem like a good idea for me to be having a baby, when I was supposed to be the one paying the bills.

However, God has blessed me with a job that will most likely work very well with raising a newborn, and we've waited long enough into seminary that, even if we got pregnant right away, we would only be a few months from graduation when the baby is born, anyway. *Correction: Jon would still have close to another year. Okay, so I was WAY off. But that means he can schedule his classes to have a couple of days off a week, and he'll get Daddy Duty! That's perfect for the days I drive into the office, and when I need a day off! Pair that with a day at Mother's Day out, and I might actually get some work done! :)

Anyway, it was when we realized all that, that Jon and I started to seriously talk about babies. We've had several new parents in our class at church, and a baby next door. None of them gave me a pang that meant, "You could have this!" or anything like that. More along the lines of, "See? This isn't so scary. If your friends can do it, so can you."

And it's true. :) Although I must admit I've found myself a little more anxious since our decision. I haven't worried about raising a baby or being a good mom, but I've worried about our finances, retirement, and further reaching things that are indirectly related to having a child. I've also started doing a lot of research about health during pregnancy, birth options, etc. that seems so diverse I have no idea what's right, and will probably go the normal route just because everyone else does.

So, there are still many questions unanswered, and I don't even need to know the answers, yet. Some I'll find out in April, and others I'll find out along the way.

But for now, yes, we have the baby bug, and it just kind of happened. There's no other way to explain it.

The Appointment

Today, I called the gynecologist to make The Appointment. By that, I mean the one where we discuss stuff like prenatal vitamins and all that. (I'm saying "all that" because I figure there's more to discuss, but I don't have a clue what it is.)

When I picked up the phone to dial, I got the worst case of butterflies to hit my stomach in a long time. I'm not sure, but I think they might have been dragons flying around in there instead of butterflies.

The receptionist answers, and I say, "I'd like to make my annual appointment," and then suddenly my breath leaves me as I try to say, "and talk about having a baby."

The receptionist, who's heard it a thousand times, says, "I'm sorry, talk about what?"

"Having a baby..." I say, only slightly louder. "Do I need a special appointment for that?"

"No, you can talk to the doctor about that at the time of your regular appointment."

As if it were no big deal. As if that one talk wouldn't change the rest of my life.

April 12th, 2:30 pm. The Appointment.