Thirty-Eight Weeks

Here it is: the 38-week update!

Caleb is approximately 6.8 pounds and over 19.5 inches long! He should have a good grip by now, so BabyCenter says. Another interesting tidbit from BabyCenter is about eye color:

"Wondering what color your baby's eyes will be? You may not be able to tell right away. If she's born with brown eyes, they'll likely stay brown. If she's born with steel gray or dark blue eyes, they may stay gray or blue or turn green, hazel, or brown by the time she's 9 months old. That's because a child's irises (the colored part of the eye) may gain more pigment in the months after she's born, but they usually won't get "lighter" or more blue. (Green, hazel, and brown eyes have more pigment than gray or blue eyes.)"

So there you go! Jon has blue-green eyes, and I have brown-green eyes, so it'll be interesting to see what color Caleb's eyes are.

Caleb is still moving away. His bumps and kicks aren't as spastic as they used to be; they're more like he's rolling around, or doing a slow stretch. Sometimes he still catches me off guard with a quick whack in the bladder or something like that, but usually it's fairly slow. His movements will get smaller as his living quarters get more cramped.

My movements have also gotten slower these days. The other day I mopped, and it wore me out so much I couldn't even put the rugs and things back on the tile when I was done. Bending over was just too hard. So from now on, if you come by and notice my dirty floors, well you just grab the mop and bucket and have fun! :) Today I'm supposed to be finishing the house cleaning...we'll see how that goes. I'm hoping as long as I stay upright (not lots of bending or stretching), I'll be okay. I'm thankful for Jon and his constant willingness to help!

I've also gotten very tired lately. I wear out easily, and wanted to go to bed at about 7 the last two nights. I managed to stay up until 9 last night. (10 the night before, but that's because it was girl-talk with Karen night, and usually we stay up until midnight or 1 for those!) When I do sleep, I dream about labor, about work, about moving...and I wake up and think about these things. Then I pray about them and go back to sleep to dream some more. I don't know if it's the discomfort of pregnancy or my mind racing that wakes me up throughout the night. I do know that I'm thankful there's a God who listens to my midnight prayers!

I found out on Wednesday that our company has been sold to another company (maybe more on that will show up on my LMNovations blog someday). It's a big deal, and I think a good thing. No jobs will be lost, which is very good. However, our whole "look and feel" has to change by January, and that happens to be my department solely...and oh yeah, I'm having a baby in two weeks and won't be back until Jan. 5th.... So, yesterday, for the first time, I thought, "I don't want to be pregnant any more. I don't want to have a baby. This is more than I can handle. This is too much change." I'm not a big change person anyway, so to add the sale of the company on top of everything else has just felt like the last straw.

However, this morning my mindset is better. Of ALL the changes coming our way in the next couple of months, Caleb is the one I'm most excited about. Job changes, role reversals, moves, and marketing will all settle down...and eventually will change again. But Caleb is here to stay!

I've tried to formulate a post in my mind about what it feels like to be pregnant. To be sure, I've conveyed the physical feelings as thoroughly as I could, and some of the mental ones as well, but I haven't been able to explain--even to myself--the impact that being pregnant has had on me. I thought it would change my life: that I would grow in wisdom and spiritual truth as I prepared for parenthood. I thought it would be on my mind at all times of the day--this new joy that I haven't yet met. So I've been surprised and felt a little guilty that I have not become that wise mother-figure, and there are many times in a day when I'm thinking about the laundry or work or church plans or countless other things. I don't sit in Caleb's room and dream, and I don't rub my belly and have conversations with Caleb about how much God loves him and how much Jon and I love him. I don't gravitate towards small children and want to hold them. I expected these things, but it hasn't happened. And since that's what I expected, I feel at a loss to describe what really has happened, because I can't really tell. Have I matured these past 9 months? Am I a different person now? Does that come at Caleb's birth? Or perhaps I'm expecting to become my own mother overnight, when I know it probably took her years to become the woman she is.

At some point, perhaps, I'll be able to look back and see how the last 9 months have affected me. Once Caleb is no longer my constant campanion in my womb, maybe I'll figure out the emotions I had when he kicked and squirmed.

I know that over the last 9 months, I've had time to adjust to new things. Nine months ago, Babies R Us scared me, diapers were an unnecessary conversation, and I could really care less about the correct methods to soothe a baby. All that is now everyday life: diapers, wipes, socks, onesies, the best bottles, the right lighting.... It's all part of my conversation these days. So I'm glad I've had these 9 months. I've needed them! And though I may not be able to explain what has happened to me as a person over this period of my life, I do know I've changed. And I know I'll continue to change as our little baby becomes a little boy and then a young man.