The Grandparents got it out of us!

So Grandpa called today just to chat. Then I talked with Grandma for a bit, and she started talking about the things she was working on for her great grandkids for Christmas. It just seemed so perfect, I couldn't resist telling her, "You'll have another great grandkid at Christmas!!" She really just pulled it out of me! Gotta watch out for those grandmothers!

So then I called my Mawmaw, who said she'd expected "the announcement" would be coming soon, so she wasn't surprised in the least. Both grandmothers hoped for a girl.

We'll be telling Jon's grandparents soon as well.

As for everyone else, I still don't know when we'll tell them. Jon doesn't think we'll be able to keep the secret very long. I'd still like to hold off a little. I know I'd originally said we'd tell those we'd also tell if there's a miscarriage, but as I explained to my mom today, telling people makes it so much more real, and the loss so much worse if we were to miscarry. So, the longer we wait, the better chances our baby has, and that happier we'll be when we let people know.

Since the announcement

It's so hard not to tell everyone!! Leanna called me, she may even be coming over today, and I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it in! I may tell her. After all, I don't get to see her all that often, so I should tell her when I get the chance, right? And Margie comes over almost every day for Pilates, and Holly's just next door....all I'm thinking about is being pregnant, and I can't tell them!

Of course, this is self-inflicted torture, because Jon and I chose to wait until after our first appointment to tell grandparents and best friends. Still...

Speaking of appointments, I called a doctor yesterday to make an appointment. There's a group of 3 doctors, and I really wanted one (and really didn't want another), but because of scheduling difficulties, ended up with the one I didn't want. She's known to be pretty blunt and all business, taking more precautions than most doctors, and I wanted someone a little more laid back. So I'm trying to decide if I should call one more doctor today. Only this doctor, I have no idea about, just reviews online, which are of course too varied to tell. The differences between the two, based on reviews (and my friend's experience with the first):

Doctor A: All business. If you have questions, you better ask quick, because she won't wait around for you to come up with them. It's her way or the highway, and my friend said she explained things like a man, so her husband really liked her. She's always on time and very professional.

Doctor B: All bedside manner. She'll chew the fat with you until you're exchanging friendship bracelets. One reviewer also said she'd go the extra mile to do research on your particular symptoms, etc, which piqued my interest because of my vulvar vestibulitis, which many doctors don't know about, and even fewer really know how to treat. Because of her friendliness, the wait time for appointments is very long.

So, a task master or a friend...I think the friend appeals to me much more, but I may need someone not as much like me, a taskmaster to keep me in line. I don't know....

On to another topic, I don't have any pregnancy signs yet. No nausea or cravings. I haven't been very hungry, though, and have lost a pound and a half. SO...I guess I'll be finishing my plate no matter what! I'm not a pregnancy expert, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to LOSE weight!

How we told everyone

Dave & Karen: Our first to tell! We got on speakerphone to talk with them. Karen was saying how she was so sorry about the kittens, and I said something like, "Yeah, I don't know how we're going to get over it." Then Jon said, "Well, we actually have one thing that might help...." We paused to let that sink in, and the next thing was Karen screaming, "NO WAY!!" Then we all started screaming, and because it was on speakerphone, we had no idea what we all said, but it was evident we were all excited. :) We hung up from talking with them, and then they surprised us by showing up at our door about an hour later! We chit-chatted for awhile, then grabbed ice cream and celebrated!

Walter & Mary: They were out of pocket almost the whole day. Finally, right before Dave & Karen came over, they returned our call. Jon's message had been something like, "Call us. Today. Please." (Not obvious at all.) Then when they called, Jon asked if they could get on speaker (again I'm thinking they're sure to guess). Their phone doesn't have speakerphone, so they must have just put both their ears to the phone. Jon said, "So we have something to tell you." There's a pause, and Mary said, "What?" (Like she kind of had a guess.) I said, "Well, you're going to be coming here this Christmas." Mary: "Is there a reason?" I said, "Cuz we ain't travelin' with a baby!" Walter's first response was, "Are you kidding us?" but we reassured them that no, we were really pregnant! We didn't talk long because Dave & Karen came at that point, and Walter was crying too much to talk anyway.

Alan & Carolyn, John & Karen: Since we were going to see them today for birthday celebration, we could plan a little bit more. I made a little shirt for Ian that said, "I'm the cousin." It's a shirt that will be big enough for him to wear in November. I stuck it in a gift bag and explained with something like, "Oh, and we got something for Ian because it was just too cute to pass up!" It was lunchtime when we got to John & Karen's, but I didn't want to eat until we'd announced! I begged everyone to do gifts first (which is not abnormal for me), and was relieved when we did. If we hadn't, it might have been announced like, "PasstheketchupWE'REPREGNANT!" Anyway, we all opened gifts, and I gave Ian's gift to John to open last. As he pulled out the shirt, his first words were, "This is huge!" Then he glanced over the words and flipped it around for everyone else to see. Suddenly, it hit him, and his face went blank and he said, "What." in a disbelieving, deadpan voice. A small pause, then everyone figured it out at once! My mom was FLOORED because I'd managed to keep our little baby bug secret pretty well. My dad said he could have figured it out (yeah....). It was so great.

Jon's got a secret (before we told)!

"What."

"I knew all along!"

"!!!!"

Everyone's reactions were priceless and memorable. We were so excited to tell you yesterday and today, and covet your prayers in this new journey!

Now leave comments with your version of how it happened: what you were thinking and when you figured it out!

Today, we told the family...

Well, I've not been a regular contributor to this blog, but I'll try to kick in some of my POV from time to time from now on.

Yesterday, we told my family (Mom and Dad, Dave and Karen), and today we told Lydia's side (Alan and Carolyn, John and Karen). It has been so wonderful to see how excited everyone is for us. I don't think they are as excited as we are, or as anxious!

I'm so looking forward to being a dad. I've actually put some considerable thought into the prospect, and I really hope and pray that Lydia and I can do a good job. It is strange to know that someone else will so fully depend upon us, not only for care and supply of the basic needs but also, and more importantly, for formation - formation of the body, the mind, and the heart. For this process, I know that I will need to grow more dependant upon God's power and activity in my life. The truth is: I am not a good person, a good parent, a good teacher, a good comforter, by myself. However, I (and Lydia, of course) do not have to go forward with this endeavour by myself! Thanks be to God!

Well, that's just how I feel right now. I'll input some more later.

PT#4

Oh my gosh we're pregnant.

So you know I've been charting (okay, maybe you didn't, but that just means you need to start back at the beginning of this blog!), and I've gotten pretty familiar with what my cycle looks like. As we neared the end of this last cycle, I wasn't showing signs of it. We both had the possibility of pregnancy in the backs of our minds, but really, we didn't want to think about it too much.

On Wednesday, I got sick. I didn't throw up, but my stomach felt awful. I joked with Jon that I was pregnant, but really figured it was the Mexican food I'd had for lunch (and it still might have been).

My cycle should have ended yesterday at the very latest, so we decided to take the test today, to give one more day for accuracy. (In the meantime, both our new kittens died, and I didn't know if that had anything to do with a slightly longer cycle, since stress can affect that.) This morning, the test. Within a few seconds, I glanced over and thought I saw the plus sign, but glanced away quickly, wanting to give it more time. I couldn't wait long, though, and it was confirmed. A plus sign.

"Jon...? Come here...."

We couldn't believe it. It doesn't even seem real. As a matter of fact, we're picking up another pregnancy test while we're out running errands today, just in case.

Oh my gosh we're pregnant!! From my calculations, we're due around Nov. 20th. I've got to find a doctor and have them confirm that...and then start on a 9 month relationship with that doctor! Crazy!!

A post

I've been trying to do at least a post a month, but I seemed to have missed all of February. Well...nothing happened in the baby world. Our cat, Friday, passed away, and our nephew, Ian was born. John and Karen are doing great in their new roles! I hope we adjust as well when that day comes. And we just got two new kittens. They're pretty sick, requiring nighttime feedings and lots of care. Kind of like babies, only with less crying!

And that's pretty much it! Hopefully more exciting news to come....

Reality Check

Jon's birthday is in a little over a week. 28. Wow. As we've gotten closer to his birthday, it's reminded me of a conversation we had his last birthday. It's been a year since we started down this road to a family. A year of learning new things, doing research, observing others. And still no baby. I kinda thought it would be a breeze to get pregnant. I go off the pill--I get pregnant. I was thinking six months, tops. It's been a slight shock to realize that this year-long process has not produced the results we expected.

However, I'm so thankful for this year. Our marriage has strengthened, we've enjoyed times with family and friends, we've watched as Karen has almost made it through her 9 months of pregnancy, and we've trusted God with His timing.

I've also been thankful that our journey has been somewhat a solitary one. Not many people know, at this point, that we even want children right now. I imagine it would take a dense person to miss that we hold babies whenever we can, that we ask lots of questions, and that we no longer make anti-baby jokes. But I've hoped that people would chalk that up to all the exposure to babies that we've had this year. Anyway, whether people know or have guessed or are still in the dark, it's nice to not have to answer constant questions and be thinking about it all the time.

And really, for the most part, we don't think about it. We're excited about where God has us now, and that keeps us busy and content where we are!

At some point, if our inability to conceive becomes more than a slight disappointment--if it becomes a burden that weighs heavily on us--we would be the first to talk about it with our families and friends. You are our support group, and we would be eager to have you share our load for awhile. Right now, though, Jon and I are content to trust in God's timing, and not worry about the months that have gone by. And hopefully, when we talk with you about it, it's not to lean on you in our discouragement, but to announce the coming of the our little Newbie! (Of course, by the time you read this, that will have already happened!)

We should hire ourselves out!

There's been a rash of babies born the last couple of months. Well, three babies. Anyway, it turns out that Jon and I have quite a way with the little ones. Jon has them staring adoringly into his eyes (I think it's his deep voice that gets 'em), and I successfully calmed a screaming baby today. We're both pretty proud of ourselves and think we'd be pretty darn good parents. I'm sure our opinion will change when we have our own screaming child to deal with. Until then, we've decided we should hire ourselves out to those parents whose pre-baby confidence has been shattered.

Probably not Pregnant

Well, it seems I'm not pregnant as I'd hoped I'd be. In my heart, I'm wondering if I might have miscarried, though just too early to have recognized it. The reasons I think this: 1) my luteal phase only lasted 12 days, when it should last at least 14 to be a happy place for a fertilized egg to live. 2) I've had cramps and a "gross" feeling stomach all day, which are period symptoms I never have. 3) To spare the details, my period has just been different from others. and 4) I've read enough and known enough cases to realize that the likelihood of miscarriage is actually pretty high. One of those things where knowledge has only made me fear the worst.

I've heard women can have a period while they're pregnant, and considering how different this one is from most, I guess it could be true. But it could also be true that I miscarried.

Of course, it could be neither, and just being out of town all last week and whatever else is going on could have contributed to a weird period. Nothing to worry about!

Whatever happened, I know that God is in control. He has perfect timing and wisdom, and I trust that.

Just a side note

I have a feeling that if I don't get pregnant next month, I'm going to be very disappointed. Maybe because I'm not pregnant this month, and I've got a tinge of disappointment. I have to admit, though, I've been thinking how great it would be to announce to our families at Christmas, since we'll see EVERYONE. But that means I'd have to get pregnant this month. That thought is crazy and scary and exciting all at the same time.

See, I'm getting my hopes up! I need to keep my hopes down! Down, hopes, down!

Isn't it silly how I get my hopes up because of the convenient timing of it all? But it's not really the timing. I think Jon and I are just ready for the next stage.

Pickles and Ice Cream!

I had pickles and ice cream today!

Okay, not at the same time, but still.... I had the ice cream for breakfast, because it was leftover from the previous day's Coldstone Creamery run, and it was SOOO yummy. Then pickles at lunch because I came into possession of a large amount of Jason's Deli pickles, which are my favorite.

But no, pretty sure I'm not pregnant. Although, as an update, I have been charting for almost a month, now, and I'm happy to say that it was as I suspected: I am ovulating, just at a different time from the "average" woman. So that's good to know. And it was cool to see my temperature spike up, which is an indication that the predominence of certain hormones are shifting.

My body's doing what it's supposed to do! I always feel awkward when pregnant women talk about "their body" as if they have no control over it. But I've figured out that it's really true. Our bodies are complex factories that do amazing things.

Off to finish the rest of my ice cream!

I'm covered!

When I moved and started working from home, I found out that my city is out of area for my insurance coverage. So, I go to the doctor on the days I go into the office. Not usually a big deal, because I'm not sick very often.

However, I've been a little concerned about how that will affect me when I'm pregnant. Pregnant people go to the doctor a lot! And they take their husbands with them. That would mean a lot of shortened days in the office, and Jon skipping work and school so he could come along, too. Of course, he wouldn't have to come to all of them, but even the "big" appointments (heartbeat, sonogram, etc.) can add up.

And then there's the actual labor and childbirth part. Most new parents go to the hospital multiple times due to false alarms, and I was having images flash through my mind of giving birth in the car on the 1.5 hr drive to the hospital.

So, imagine my delight when I went in to a clinic here in town, and I was covered! It turns out that the Out of Area coverage uses another provider, and I have a whole host of doctors to choose from, as well as numerous hospitals!

So, the doctor hunt begins. I already have an idea of which hospital I'd like to go to, because it's well-known for its labor and delivery care. I'm going to ask my current doctor for recommendations, as well as all the pregnant women and new moms that I know around here.

I can't believe I could have been going to doctors here in town for the last two years! It's a good thing I only needed a doctor a few times, or I would have been really ticked!

Fertility Awareness

This whole getting pregnant thing is a slippery slope. I started out saying, "If it happens, it happens" and now I'm charting my daily temps and sticking my finger up my hooha testing for fluids....

Let me 'splain.

I started out this whole thing of going off the pill and getting on the vitamin by charting my cycles. I use MyMonthlyCycles.com, and it's very useful. I just input my period each month, and it helps me keep track, especially now that I am off the pill that kept my cycle to a predictable 28 days. It also calculates when I am likely to ovulate, based on previous cycles, and assuming that I ovulate 14 days before the end of the cycle. Sounds a bit complicated, but it isn't really.

Then, as you know, Karen gave me the ovulation tests, which I couldn't resist. So, when there was a purple bunny on the web site calendar (yes, that's the sign for ovulation...seriously), I thought I'd try out this new bit of science I'd acquired. Nothing. I took the tests for 7 days and came back negative every time. Hm.... The next month, I tried again, only one day this time. Still negative. Now I only have one test left, and I don't want to waste it!

So that got me to thinking that I might not be in the normal group of people who ovulate 14 days before their cycle ends. At the same time, some friends of mine were mentioning cervical fluid (oh, the conversations of the pregnant-to-be...), which I was sure I'd never noticed before. I started wondering if I even ovulated at all. I realized that the ovulation tests might have pointed to a potential problem that I needed to investigate further.

So, to set my mind at ease (or get the facts I needed to present to a doctor, if things turned up abnormal), I decided to try the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). I borrowed Taking Back Your Fertility by Toni Weschler from a friend. It's a pretty hefty book, but quite a quick read. I would recommend it to those trying to conceive and those trying NOT to. It's also good for women trying to keep track of their cycles while breastfeeding or as they approach menopause.

Basically, the magic of the method is that our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made. Women's cycles--even the most erratic--become quite predictable when charted daily. Based on my temperature every morning and cervical fluid throughout the day, I will know when I am fertile, when I am not, when I will start my period, and even when I'm pregnant.

It's pretty cool, really. I feel kind of like a scientist taking daily measurements to look for patterns and signs of abnormality. Which is exactly what I'm doing!

So, without even meaning to, the casual way in which I wanted to go about getting pregnant has gone by the wayside. As I've read the FAM book, I've realized that I probably don't have a health problem; I just haven't been aware of when my body is doing what. I'm looking forward to learning what kind of cycle I have, not what the average woman has.

A note on Taking Charge of Your Fertility:
I've already mentioned this, but I want you to know I mean it. I would really recommend this book and method. The book is written in plain English and I read most of it in about three days. It presents a complicated concept very simply and clearly, so that I feel confident that I can do it.

Regarding FAM:
A woman is only fertile a few days out of the month. Why take a pill every day to prevent something that can happen only a fraction of that time? When I got off the Pill, I was surprised at how much those hormones had affected me. I had no idea, and had I known, I would not have started them in the first place.

When I first heard about FAM, all I really "heard" was the first paragraph of this blog: I would have to wake up at the same time every morning to take my temp, and I would have to touch something that in every other circumstance I had avoided. People who did that must be desperate! But, while people may come to this method in desperation, those who use FAM are more in control of their fertility than most people. If you start out using FAM, you can use it to prevent conception, and then--when you're ready--you'll have all the knowledge you need to have a great chance at getting pregnant. I'm glad I found out about this method before I got to the desperation stage, and I want you to know about it before then, too.

This method, both for prevention and conception, is cheap (free), natural, and helps a woman become more aware of the amazing gift God gave her.

PT#3

This is a little belated, but I took a third test after a couple more days. Still wasn't pregnant, and finally my body kicked in gear and did what it was supposed to do. Guess it was stress or something.

In the meantime, John and Karen announced their pregnancy! Yay! I'm happy that I'll be an aunt before I'll be a mom. It just seems like it should be the way of things. And I get to be the favorite aunt, too!

Karen passed off all her "getting pregnant" accouterments, including extra ovulation tests. For a couple who's not really trying, ovulation tests are a little intimidating! However, I'm sure they'll be handy at some point. They brought up the question, "If we're okay with getting pregnant, why not try?" The obvious answer is to avoid the frustration that comes from being unsuccessful. But, the second answer is that well, maybe that makes sense. Knowing me, I'll want to try the test just because it's new and kinda cool. But maybe we should wait a little while longer.

Pregnancy Test #2

Took the test, and it's still negative. I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I mean, two days late--I'd about convinced myself I was really pregnant. I woke up 4 times in the night, awaiting the morning and The Test. But oh well. It'll happen sometime.

It's all in my mind: Pregnancy Test #1

I took a Pregnancy Test last week. I was feeling funny--kinda nauseated, but not enough to really make me sick. So, I thought I'd just take the test and get it over with. I had a feeling my mind was playing tricks on me, and making me feel that way just because I knew pregnant people were supposed to get morning sickness.

I went to Target, because I never see anyone there I know (though of course I did this time), and Kroger keeps their PTs locked up next to the condoms, which is way too humiliating for me to even contemplate. I picked the "early detector" test--63% accurate on it's earliest detecting days. Seems good enough, but that turned out to be my loophole. The test ended up negative, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking that I might be in that 37%. The funny nausea feeling has remained (but usually only when I think about it, which seems to confirm the "all in my mind" theory).

Now, I'm two days late, and taking the test again tomorrow.

My Input - God's Sovereignty Tested

No one may ever read these posts, but I want to say something about why I feel better about moving forward with plans for a baby.

A couple months ago, while helping put a roof on a house for Habitat, I had a great talk with a friend about contraception and God's sovereignty. He told me that he and his wife had used the Pill for several months when they first got married but then decided to stop. He told me that the main reason they made that decision was not because of the health issues or the possibility that it might cause an abortion - the main issue was whether or not God was really in control. If we've surrendered our life to His leading, how can we take this one very important part of ourselves and effectively say, "God, you aren't allowed to give us kids right now," and then turn around at a later time and say, "God, now we want kids, give them to us"? God simply doesn't work that way. He is Lord over everything, and He will resist those who try to becomes lords over any issue, even this one.

The more that I've thought about that conversation and the truths expressed, the more I've desired to trust God with my children, even in the timing and provision of their coming. Part of maturing as a Christian is submitting more and more of yourself to God, and I want to mature in Him.

Now, I know there are good arguments out there about why it is a good thing to control when and how many kids we have (I've thought through lots of them), but the same is always going to be true in any issue where God is asking you to submit yourself to Him. We must trust and obey Him regardless of the seeminly good reasons not to.

I look forward to being a daddy, even though I know I'm going to struggle. It will be a great journey that will build Lydia and me more and more into the image of Christ, and I think that may be what I'm most excited about.

How to deal

Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine had a miscarriage. I know of four friends my age who have miscarried. Four! I have read that many times, miscarriage occurs because the mother's body recognizes that something is wrong with the baby. And sometimes it just happens. I can't imagine the pain my friend is going through, and the questions she must have. Lord, give her peace!

Many pregnant couples only tell a few people--their closest friends and family--in the first trimester, when the likelihood of miscarriage is the highest. They do this to avoid all the questions from well-meaning people who don't know what's going on. Jon and I talked about this, trying to figure out who we would tell. We finally decided we would tell the people that we would also tell in the event of a miscarriage. That's actually a pretty large number, because it includes our Sunday School class, on whom we would lean most heavily for support during our grieving time.

Miscarriage. I don't know how to deal with it. And I imagine no one does.

A slight change in plans

Well, last week, I found out that through a technicality (called insurance), I had to move my appointment from April to May. I was pretty disappointed. Not only does that move baby thoughts back a month, but I was getting pretty excited about not having to take birth control much longer. I've always pushed the ethical issues of oral contraceptives out of my mind, but they've been coming to the front more often, and I'm not really comfortable with the idea any more. Waiting until April to stop hadn't seemed too bad, but now another month....

However, another event occurred last week. Jon and I went to visit a newborn, two weeks old and quite the handsome little boy. Jon held him almost the whole time, and as we got in the car, came to the decision that I should go ahead and get off the pill. Fine by me! :) I still have to finish out this month, and after that, we'll probably use other methods until I do talk to the doctor. This gets me a little ahead of the game, though, by allowing my body to go ahead and get the hormones out of my system (I've heard you have to allow 3 months before trying to get pregnant). It will be interesting to see how I'm affected. I'm hoping to lose weight :)

So we'd pushed back the whole shebang for another month, and now we've pushed it up! And I'm perfectly fine with that! Pretty exciting!

It's time

Since the last post, Jon and I have questioned our decision a few times. Gosh, a baby changes everything. But even more than the lost freedom that some people talk about, our hesitation has been the added responsibility. We're committing to being able to care and provide for our baby. With just the two of us, we can get a cheap duplex in the wrong part of town. But we don't want that for our kid, so suddenly we have to think about being able to afford a nice place to live, which means a good income, which, frankly, is pretty up in the air once Jon graduates.

So, toward the goal of me staying home, but still being able to make a substantial contribution, I'm working with Leanna to start a business. It's still in infancy stages (or gestational, actually), but I'm excited to see where it goes. I really think that what we make will sell; it's just a matter of finding the time to make it all, and getting all the details together.

Jon turned 27 a month ago. That day, we talked about our decision for babies, and he said, "You know, it's time. I'm 27 years old, and it's time." And that's true. It's time. Next week, I turn 25, and that's time. Time to start the next stage of life. Parenthood.

Crazy.